Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in crmak's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
2:45 pm	Well, here I am its very early in the semester and a silver lining has appeared over those once dark clouds that loomed over my head from last semester. Finding it easier to love and forgive others now than I used to when I put up my walls and stayed on the defensive from people all the time. I really believe God, perhaps by Divine Providence, put me in the situation I am in to learn to reconcile with all kinds of people and crack my shell built out of fear. Today in my Shakespeare Histories class, the professor was talking about Richard III in the play of the same name, how his behavior was typical of a tyrant. In the fourth act, second scene, Buckingham, who is Richard's right hand man who has helped him usurp the throne and kill many innocents in the process, is asked by Richard to kill Prince Edward and his brother. Buckingham doesn't possess much of a conscience in the play, but he pauses after the request to think about it. Richard demands blind obedience and angrily dismisses Buckingham for thinking too much. Richard also later mentions that he wants followers to not look for or see what he is really doing. Richard crafts sinister plots throughout the play, but this is deep in his psyche, he was born with a hunched back so his inner and outer life is crooked. So Richard is always concerned about what others are thinking when they are looking at him or talking to him. This I can relate to, and it is a deep thing. Interestingly, I selfishly thought that by certain ascetic practices my soul could be rid of worrying what others were thinking when I interacted with them. I shut myself off in my room for long periods, sometimes I would not shave for long periods and not keep my beard or my hair groomed, I would avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, I would stay silent around others if they were talking about things I considered sinful, and I would retreat from a social scenario if I became uncomfortable. I now know that the spirit of these actions was wrong, which showed up eventually in the form of depression and outward passive aggression to people I came into contact with. Now perhaps not all these actions were wrong by themselves, only God can know, but my spirit was one of fear. Love cannot exist beside fear, one must be given up to prepare the way for the other. Moderation is a virtue I pray God grant me so I can live a life pleasing to Him and work out my salvation with fear and trembling. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
3:52 am	Either the demons tempt us themselves or they equip those who do not fear the Lord to act against us: themselves, when we are alone, away from others, just as they tempted the Lord in the desert; through others, when we associate with them, as they tempted the Lord through the Pharisees. It is for us to look to our model and beat them back on both fronts. —St Maximus the Confessor This quote from St. Maximus the Confessor I saw on the homepage of Monachos.net, it shook me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
7:57 am	Recent revelation: the royal way, the middle way, the way of the king...baby steps...that is all. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
12:41 pm	My patience has been tested as of lately, I recently became friends with this girl in one of my classes...and come to find out that she likes so many things that I do...like Russian literature, and vodka drinking (modestly of course), and she is the only girl I have ever known that actually has an interest in asceticism. She strikes me as very religious and I believe she goes to church very frequently, even though it is probably a Protestant church. I don't really know, I haven't seen her in my class for two days and I wonder if I scared her away, but I think God is tempering patience in me. I like to think I'm a pretty cool customer when it comes to waiting on things about myself or just involving myself...but I think I have been deceived...I am not patient at all...oh, foolish pride you may yet send me to hell! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
10:31 pm	Went to a Halloween party last night, which was alot of fun. As I left to go to bed I had been looking around at everyone in the room...some people I knew, some people were strangers. As I looked around I felt something, I felt a sense of goodness from everyone in the place...even those who I knew and disliked. And it reminded me that we are all sinners, but God made us in his image and likeness. We have the image...but we have lost the likeness. Prayer to God and repentance of sins and following His commandments brings Grace and Mercy. Also I should keep my mind in hell and not despair...St. Silouan the Athonite, pray to God for us sinners! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
9:42 pm	The only problem with going out and embracing mankind, I have the control over myself that comes not from myself, but of God. I would be lying if I assumed that I am spiritually prepared for that, there are many social ways the devil can tempt and deceive on and off an American college campus. So it is best I befriend the right people who are at least struggling to overcome just as I am, or seek counsel from those who have overcome. O Lord, wretched as I am, I pray you hear my prayers and save me (Comment on this)
1:03 am	Ahhhh, so here it is my first live journal...Lord have mercy! I was lucky enough to attend part of the East Carolina Literary Festival here on my campus; this part was on writers who wrote about the Outer Banks (NC coast). One time in my life I lived at Nags Head on the Outer Banks, and I have many fond memories and some bad memories of the place. I had an awful babysitter there, I fell in love with the beach and water there. I remember being alienated there, during a period my grandmother had cancer, my family moved to three different places in one year and I attended three different schools in that same year. I have already written too much about myself, but I am excited about what I am about to tell. Three speakers, the one who I remember most is Philip Gerard who wrote this novel called Cape Fear Rising which I haven't read, but it does sound strangely familiar. His background is as professor of creative writing at the University of Arizona, lived on the Outer Banks for some time and also worked on boats while there. He had this wonderful theme, he called it "the geography has a soul". This theme came up many times when he spoke, he mentioned the Outer Banks as being very open in the landscape and the people. The space facilitates a casualness, but also the possibility of natural disasters serves as the terror, fear of unknown. I may have misrepresented what he said because of my shoddy memory, but I believe the comment on space is in the ballpark. Gerard also commented on his critical reviews, as a reviewer of "so-called" Appalachian literature, that the themes of the story match the landscape...you don't know what's over the next ridge or dip in the mountains, the next pass. In relation to this, I have purposefully affected my own environment, my surroundings. I have had some trouble lately, and resolved to spend time to myself and avoid anything I perceived as a negative outside influence i.e. to sin, to discover what should be done to put me on the right path. Ironically, with very little prayer my asceticism turned to nothing but pride and showed me that there is no love in it. I must learn to give myself selflessly for love to other people. Jesus Christ our Savior took the flesh of man and entered the material world so that the Father's Holy Wisdom "Sophia" be established through matter, particularly man. So I discovered just recently that I must do what I fear...truly love others as I have loved myself; for it is easy for me to be alone as I am used to this state, but it is very difficult and painful for me to be with others and to love them in spite of my ego's fears. Lord Have Mercy (Comment on this)